Three times…

“You will deny me three times.”

These words have been ringing in my ears ever since that precious night we were gathered together with our Lord. Jesus had just done the most amazing act of service the world had ever heard of. He got up and washed our feet! Then He told us again that He would leave us. We were afraid. I was afraid. And as usual I impulsively told the Lord that I would lay down my life for Him. I thought I would. I thought I could.

Then we went out and the Lord turned Himself in to the soldiers which such authority like I’ve never seen. It was so powerful that the soldiers fell backwards when He spoke those poignant words,“I am.” They didn’t realize that He was declaring that He was the great I AM, Yahweh, whom the Jews who sent to capture Him, claimed they worship.

Well, the soldiers got up again and I couldn’t bear to see them capture my Lord. So, being impulsive again, I drew my sword and cut off one of the soldier’s ears. I think his name was Malchus. But my Lord rebuked me and healed the man’s ear!

You will deny me three times. No I won’t, Lord. You see, Lord, I’m trying to defend you. I would do anything for you. Iwould lay down my life for you.

John and I followed the Lord as they took Himto the high priest. John was allowed in because the high priest knew him. I had to wait outside, and I wish I hadn’t! As John was coming out to bring me in, aservant girl asked me if I was one of Jesus’ disciples, and the unfathomable happened… I denied! The denial froze my heart and I stood warming myself with the servants and officers outside. But no fire could warm my frozen heart. I wished it would burn me up! I tried to avoid looking into the eyes of anyone around me. But I don’t know why they asked me again! And I denied again. It was then that I felt like I had lost my identity. I didn’t know who I was anymore. After all those days and weeks and years of living with Jesus, of witnessing unending love every single second I was with Him… I suddenly didn’t know who I was without Him. They had captured Him. I had denied Him. I felt like it was all over. 

“Please leave me alone,” my frozen heart criedout. “Please leave me alone.” But here came a relative of that Malchus. And he asked me again if I was with the Lord. Oh if I say yes, he would cut off my ear or kill me for what I did to Malchus. “No, it wasn’t me with Him in the garden,” I quickly lied.

And as soon as the words left my mouth, I heard the rooster crow… it was like a horror tune played to the lyrics I so adamantly refused, “you will deny me three times.”

Nooooooooo… I covered my ears and broke down. I couldn’t bear to hear that rooster crow, I couldn’t bear to hear the echo of the Lord’s words, I couldn’t bear myself. I ran out and wept bitterly. He was right, again. I’m just impulsive. I’m just good at saying the right thing, but not doing the right thing. Yes, I said I wasn’t His disciple. I don’t deserve to be.

He was crucified. But I wasn’t there. How could I be? I didn’t even feel like I belonged to him anymore. I didn’t know who I was. I wanted to run as fast as I could, as far as I could. I wished I would just cease to exist.

A day went by. And another. I never felt like 48 hours could be so long.

And then on the third day, Mary came running to us to tell us that the tomb was empty! John and I ran to the tomb and saw that it really was empty. So now even His body is no longer there! What hope is there in life?!

And then… He appeared to us! He had risen from the dead! Everything He had taught us began to make sense.

But I couldn’t forgive myself. I denied Him three times! I told Him that I would lay down my life for Him, and I couldn’t even live my life for Him. I was a failure.

So I figured the only thing I was good at was finishing. I’ll go back to fishing. So I told the disciples that I wound go fishing, and they joined me. So I thought fishing was the only thing I was good at… even that I couldn’t do now! We spent all night fishing and did not catch a single fish! Oh I wish Jesus was here, but why would He want to be with someone like me?!

Suddenly someone appeared on the shore and asked us if we had caught any fish. We said “no” and then he asked us to cast the net on the right side of the boat. We’d been here all night… how would a different side of the boat make any difference? But, desperate, we tried.

Then it seemed like someone was ordering the fish from the ends of Sea of Tiberius to get into the net! 153 large fish jumped into the net! We couldn’t even pull it out! Then John realized that itwas the Lord! I couldn’t believe my eyes, quickly got dressed, and jumped into the water to get to Jesus. Even with the guilt I bore in my heart, I still couldn’t survive without Him.

The Lord cooked and we ate and then He asked me if I loved Him. His question pierced my heart, but John had told me about the spear that pierced His side for me just a few days earlier, yes for me who denied Him!

My Lord asked me if I loved Him with agapē love, that perfect love that He loves me with. I couldn’t be impulsive this time. Recalling the rooster’s crow, I told him I loved him but not with His perfect agapē love; all I was capable of was phileō love, brotherly love at my limited human level. He asked me a second time and I again confirmed that all I canlove Him with was phileō. When the Lord saw that I finally acknowledged my limitedness, He asked me a third time, but this time He asked me if I loved Him with phileō love, and I humbly replied, “Lord you know everything, you know what I’ve done. You know how I feel. You even knew it before it occurred. You know that I love (phileō) you.”

The Lord asked me if I loved Him three times. The first time He asked me, I recalled my denial with the servant girl. The second time He asked me, I recalled my denial to the servants and officers.  The third time He asked me, I recalled my denial to Malchus’ relative. With every question came deep healing to every denial. Following the first three times, I went away weeping with deep pain and regret. Following these three times, I feel I am myself again. He restored my soul.

And when He had restored my soul, He restored my calling. “Follow me,” He said. I will Lord. How could I not before such love? But this time my following of you will be different. I’ve seen who I really am and have seen who you really are. I won’t be impulsive any more Lord. I won’t claim that I can love you more than the others, or lay my life down for you on my own accord. I know I can’t. Apart from you, I can do nothing.

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Do you have things in common with Peter? I know I do. How often have I impulsively made promises to God and thought that I can keep them based on my own strength and determination!

My friends, let us learn this lesson from Peter. Let us acknowledge that apart from Him, we can do nothing. Let us admit our limited love for Him, and ask Him to grow it. Let us allow the Great Physician to deeply heal us from every Peter-like denial, like no other person can. And when He has restored our souls, the real us, let us allow Him to restore our unique calling in His grand story. Only then will the deepest philosophical questions that philosophers have struggled with for ages, be simply answered… who am I? What’s the purpose of my life?

My ultimate uniqueness shines when I am in Christ. He restores the real untainted “me” as He created it to be, and places me in the real untainted eternal and everlasting story of creation, as He created it to be.